"Before my time"

 It is so hard to grow old and not feel like you are. Harder yet... is to watch your loved one growing older and feeling forced to grow
older with them. I want to be a part of life and the living. But I have chose to stay with my father to help him as he reaches the end of
life as we know it. Having gave up my job and moving in with him along with... at the time my oldest brother and his wife. All three having
been found 100% disabled and unable to make their Dr. appointments. My oldest brother who's home I reside in was found 100% disabled from
Agent Orange from his tour of duty in Vietnam. His wife having had an aneurysm at 70 mph in a convertible with her cruse set also 100%
disabled. My father having had a brain bleed and surgery for such then finding cancer when he was to be released from therapy. Had surgery
for his colon and one year later finding cancer in his lung and another surgery... has now found it has returned and is in both lungs. His
Dr.'s say that he is unable to take any treatments to discover type or to fight it. At 79 he feels that he has had a long good life and
apologizes to me for making me put my life on hold.

  My oldest brother died on Nov 14 2007 as he and I were on our way to the store as I turned he slumped to the center of the seats. I can
say with firsthand knowledge that he went out laughing as that is what we were doing at the time. I have stayed with my father and sister-
in-law since that time. I have watched and felt myself grow old and tired without desire or wish. Without a job I can do very little for my
children and nothing for my grandchildren that I would wish too. I having raised three children as a mechanic and carpenter, have many
tools which help me make a few dollars in the shop out back! But usually it is late at night when everyone else is sleeping that I get to
work. And I just seem to be losing heart for such things. I am lonely and have no one that can deal with my fulltime schedule to have any
real relationship!
  I do believe in God and find that to be more than just words but true Faith. When my three month old granddaughter died in April of 2008
it came to me through my Faith that "All is as it Should Be" ! I find so much comfort knowing that those words mean God has it all under
control. Still I as a Human wonder what will I do next... after I am no longer needed here and have to pick up where I left off. Oh My Lord
I am afraid and want to have the feeling that I am not forgotten... I Am Only Human.
  I once wondered who in my family would be the first to die... Now I wonder who will have to be LAST !!! It would be one of the hardest
things to experience in the human sense. As bad as I feel I have had things in different times in my life it really could be worse. I look
at my brother and sisters still living and think how could or would they handle it. Maybe it would be best for me to be last ! We all have
children and we all want to live... Is there such a thing as who is best to go last ? I think not only Who's NEXT !
I pace the floor some days like a trapped animal and fight the urge to run and live. Where are the friends that you gain in life? Oh yes I
remember... I have none. Only names and pictures on the computer that I will talk to and call my friend... their not as warm to hold and
cry
with as I want so badly in my life. Yes they are the best friends I have hell the only friends I have. I just can not share with them the
things that I feel or think as they would never understand how I got to this point without having been around to see. All the things you
can get from the human words they still lack so much feeling... My Feelings !!